It’s me, I’m the dispirited gay person in the room.
I was in attendance during a friend’s birthday bash, and while it was such a nice display of tender moments and fun interactions, there I was in the corner, tending an emotional damage over her Mixed Signaling.
Not gonna lie–she left me mentally grappling for answers. All this time, I was all, “what the hell?”
I know it will all but boomerang back to me, because AGAIN–you’re supposed to take mixed signals as a no, regardless of the context. But I just can’t help but be hurt, because I really thought we were already establishing something during our conversations.
I started to believe that I may have hallucinated most of those “establishing” phase. For all I know, I could have largely been misreading things between her and I.
And so in the party, one of my guy friends asked, “how have you been since that life-changing thing that happened to you?”
I answered in all earnest–I’m slowly coming to terms with what happened, but of course it will always be as painful as day one.
“Are you seeing anyone now?”
Ugh, is it written all over my face that I was smitten over someone?
“You could say so? I am trying to get back on my feet again, I think I’m starting to like someone, but I have no idea if the feeling is mutual.”
My guy friend just smiled at me. “You’ll know the answer yourself, just give it time.”
Ughhh, the Straight Support. I just love it whenever it presents itself.
My guy friend asked me to show her photo, and so I did. It was the photo that first made me do a double take on her, effectively putting her in my radar.
“I see it,” my friend said. “Is she from your circle?”
“Yes.”
He smiled, acknowledging my history of liking girls from within my circle. He proceeded to tell me some of his own life stories relevant to the stage I am in right now. “You’ll know when the time is right. But whatever happens, whether it pushes through or not, be gracious. If it doesn’t work out, be a gracious loser.”
The thing is, gracious loser is what I really am not, to be honest about it. But yes, his advice holds water. Because what am I supposed to do when it doesn’t pan out?
“I really like her, but I’ve been off the market too long, I no longer know how things work.”
“Like I said, you’ll know when the time is right.”
Le sigh.
At the birthday bash, we drank some more, sang some more. I was on my fourth glass of wine when my guy friends huddled around me, already intoxicated.
“Where is this girl you speak of and why are you not eating her yet,” my other guy friend quipped. I laughed out loud.
Was it a fun night? Yes, and I’m glad I made it to my friend’s party. Did I get a message from her? Absolutely not. It’s as if I never existed.
Other entries:
Catching feelings in the middle of chaos
Some people’s innate ability to fire electric signals from nowhere direct to someone’s soul